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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Science is just a numbery way to explain magic.
"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Billy Ray Cyrus made a million dollars at a playgirl photo shoot. He just started taking his clothes off and they paid him to put them back on.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
that moment when somebody calls your house phone and ask where you are
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
People are so predictable..I bet you`re even reading this status right now.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!