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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.