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I wonder what “don’t touch” is in Braille....
If I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
Fact: No one has ever "Jumped in the shower."
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.