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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
How does one get a nice body without moving?
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Nothing tests that whole "for better or worse" thing like the question "does this look infected?"
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
If I could keep it short, my life would be so much simpler.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.