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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That`s not my waiter!
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.