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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I had 3 happy meals today and none of them worked.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Sometimes I feel like a loser for spending so much time on Facebook. Then I remember there are people out there who comment on pornhub videos
Google must be a woman...it knows everything.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.