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Some of the nicest women you`ll meet on Facebook are men.
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
They say `No news is good news,` but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Its too damn early. Even the voices in my head are still snoring.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter`s date. ..then I told him it`s much faster after 11pm
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.