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I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
My last relationship was a lot like The Notebook. It felt like it lasted forever and we both wanted to die towards the end.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
Why are there no owls here? I Was lead to believe there would by owls here. #hooters
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."