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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
Well, one week smoke free, only 4 dead, 27 injured… not bad…
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
A yawn is a silent scream for coffee!
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
People are making Rapture jokes like there`s no tomorrow.....
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".