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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
The early bird needs a punch in the throat.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.