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I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.