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Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
I never meant to be so cold, I never meant to be so cold. - Mother nature
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Change is always hard.... Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.