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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Rappers seem to have an unhealthy interest in female dogs, don`t they?
I wonder how often I’ve narrowly avoided death without even noticing.
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
A woman saying "I`m not mad at you" is like a dentist saying "You won`t feel a thing."
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.