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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
Sadly, the opposite sex is ignoring me like a check engine light.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can’t see them pick their nose?
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
If you`re a girl and you drink Vodka... there`s a high probability, I love you.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
The way I see it, every Friday is Good Friday.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Dear family, thank you for all those wonderful childhood memories ... Here`s my therapy bill.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke