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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
String cheese is the sexiest of the cheeses. It’s like you get to undress it.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
if a guy tells you you`re ugly ; he wants you, if a girl tells you your ugly; she`s jealouse, if you a kid tells you your`re ugly..... you`re ugly.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.