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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
30 years later and my Cabbage Patch Kid still has no clue that he`s adopted.
I put the pro in inappropriate.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Stupidity should be painful...really!!!
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
A cop comes up to a man on the street. Cop: Seen anything unusual? Man: A dolphin with a hat once. Cop: I mean around here. Man: No, they live in water.
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can’t stop smiling like an idiot.
Are walruses just vampire manatees?