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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
The best things in life require no pants.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Right now I`m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I`ve forgotten this before.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
I don`t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it.
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.