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I once dated a meteorologist just so I could be with a woman who wasn`t right all the time.
I used to be a camera man in the porn industry but it became too hard...
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
What ? Who ? Exactly my point. Now move along and go read something else. Nosey !!
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.