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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
Long story short, I love summaries.
Of course I’ll buy a polished rock made into a necklace. I’m on vacation, aren’t I?
Friends are like boobs... Some are real some are fake.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
Why is the jolly Green giant so damn jolly
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I just want to be as thin as my patience.
My anger management class pisses me off
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]