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Thinking about starting a line of realistic welcome mats with things like "Please don`t stay long!" or "I hope you brought booze."
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
I either get what I want or I change my mind!
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I got a letter in the mail saying I was pre-approved for a Walmart Credit Card. Not sure if I should be honored or ashamed.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.