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"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
The great thing about snow is it makes your lawn look as good as your neighbors.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.