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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
I’m gonna have to get new pets, I’m running out of passwords.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
I thought we had nothing in common until I saw you buying 3 margaritas at a time.