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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Ways to die: Steal my food.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I`ve been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."
I hate when its dark and your brain is all "you know what we haven`t thought about in a while ... demons."
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie is romantic but do it on a bus and the judge doesn`t agree.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.