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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s…That’s because she changes it more often.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs