Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`ve spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.
Calling credit cards "a convenient alternative to cash" is like calling crystal meth a "diet substitute".
Turns out that my get rich painfully slow scheme isn`t working out either.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
There’s no question about it, the second half of the tank of gas goes twice as fast as the first!
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
If you`re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
Actually according to chemists, alcohol IS a solution…
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.