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I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend