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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
I don’t care how loud I’m laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Chip clips are for quitters.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Home is where the pants aren’t.
Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.