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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
If Monday had a face... I`d punch it.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
Remember this when you are drunk: You can`t fall off the floor.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Sometimes it takes me a full 8 hours to get nothing done.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"