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I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
My dog can`t hear me yelling at him to stop chasing squirrels, but he can hear a damn cheese wrapper from 500 miles away
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Life Tip: Hang out with people who make you forget to look at your phone.
I`m at the facebook saloon, drinking all night long
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night…he hypnotized 7 guys…then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled F*CK ME ... what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life