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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
this website used to be full of funny statuses. Then the 8-year olds came in.
I thought I was a bit hardcore until I saw this guy sucking on a soy sauce packet like an Otter Pop.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
figured out today that my GPS has auto-correct....I put in "Beach house" and ended up in my ex`s driveway.
Note to self: Stop leaving notes to yourself, you never read them anyway...
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
Why are you walking away when we`re in the middle of discussing our wedding plans? Come back! ... At least give me your number!
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn`t stolen.