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Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Girls are funny creatures. They hate it when you ask their age but will kill you if you forget their birthday.
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
lifes a laugh, start living it!
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Sorry I missed your call ... I was to busy singing and dancing to the ringtone
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
Two things everybody wants: 1) Lose weight. 2) Eat.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)