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Dramatically slamming a book shut upon finishing it was way more satisfying than switching my Kindle off and gently placing it on the table.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Barbie has an awful lot of things for a girl who`s knees don`t bend.
Do you ever order a club sandwich just to feel like you`re a part of something?
Like medicine, some people should only be allowed to talk in doses. Like 30 sentences three times a day.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.