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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.