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"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
How come the voices inside of a crazy person`s head never say shit like "hey, go to the gym" or "hey, cure cancer" or "hey, don`t be crazy"?
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
There are weight limits on car seats, airlines, skydiving, military, horseback riding, kayaks, and bikes……how is it there are no weight limit on high heels?
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is