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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
Anyone else immediately turn down the car radio the second you think you might be lost?
Men, remember to re-stock the spiders this weekend so she remembers why she keeps you around.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
dear journal..im now the coolest kid in school....mom:SWEETIE THE CHESSCLUB IS HERE 4 U!!!
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I just had a threesome in the shower with Johnson and Johnson.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.