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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Safe words are for quitters.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
"Hey homie!" - How I greet my house whenever I arrive.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
I licked some of the frosting, but then I just ate the whole cake. No evidence. Problem solved.