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Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
why call it ordering pizza and not the pursuit of happiness
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
Relationships would be easier if people came with a “Clear History” button.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.