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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
This might be the worst online counseling site ever.
You call it Sushi, I call it bait.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.