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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life. 2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Sea levels aren’t rising due to global warming. They are rising due to the increase in obesity. The continents are actually sinking…
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
OK I`ve stumbled out of bed and made it to the computer- and another Facebook day begins!
Eleanor Roosevelt once said "Do one thing every day that scares you" and that`s why I weigh myself in the mornings.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."