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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I don`t like the term "stalker". I prefer "unpaid private investigator".
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first beer after work.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Are there actually people who get out of the shower to pee? I want to meet them.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!