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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Lazy Rule 47: If you spill water, it will eventually dry.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
My friend bought some new floral underwear today. I asked her why she bought `floral` underwear to which she replied "its in memory of all the faces that have been buried there".
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.