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All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can`t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
You can lead a horse to water but I`d rather ride it to the liquor store.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
You find it offensive? ... I find it funny ... That`s why I`m happier than you.