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Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues