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You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
Lol at birds that walk places.
Turbo Tax might just be the worst video game I`ve ever played.
How can I learn to be more patient? (I`m only interested in quick-fix solutions with immediate results please)
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.