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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Offering someone food and secretly hoping they say no.
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I grew up for this?
All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Fitness? More like fitness whole cheesecake in my mouth.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
NASCAR pit crews are always retiring. Let it sink in: now laugh
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.
Facebook is great, but I still miss the good old days of writing down my random thoughts and sliding them into stranger`s pockets.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.