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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
The more I drink, the more I realize how much more I still want to drink.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
My friend sent his wedding invitation from Facebook Event. I sent him a gift from Farmville.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
I just found love.....its on page 369 in dictionary
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Iām back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.