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I don`t ever know where I`m at till I`m there
Any girl is a stripper if you wait outside her window long enough
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
Ha, SUCKA`S! I just smuggled a bag of popcorn into the movie theater. Now I just need to borrow their microwave.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
I`ve been told I`m doing exceedingly well in my exaggeration therapy class, I think it`s because I`ve been giving it 180 percent.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
Be nice to your kids. They get to choose your nursing home.
My rabbit died yesterday… Now he’s just some bunny that I used to know…