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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
One day we the women will rap the men lets see how they like it!
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
I don`t like it here anymore. As soon as I find my pants, I`m leaving!
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.