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So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I don`t get why people find drunk text annoying
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs
I keep my land line so I can find my cell phone.