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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
Do people who run know that we’re not food anymore.
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Women with big breasts... ...can get a taxi on the worst days ...have a neat place to carry spare change ...have always been the center of the arts (art) ...make jogging a spectator sport ...can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub ...have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ...usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie ...can always carry a little extra ...always float better ...know where to look first for lost earrings ...rarely lack for a slow dance partner ...hav