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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
My 83 year old neighbor got pulled over for speeding. She told the cop she had to hurry before she forgot where she was going.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Chinese scientists have discovered the rare rock n roll panda it will only eat A wop bop a loo lop a wop Bamboo
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.
What`s Forrest Gump`s password? 1forest1
Isn’t it funny how people that talk too much also have annoying voices?
What`s the point of a highschool reunion? I`ve got Facebook. I already know you got fat.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.