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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like ten so you can choose.
I love that moment when I`m cruising down the highway listening to country music and I suddenly realize "wait a minute I can change the station!"
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
If there wasn’t such thing as a last minute I’d never get anything done.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I will admit, my statuses sound a bit different when read aloud by the prosecuting attorney.