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If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Having sex is like doing FRACTIONS... It`s IMPROPER for the larger one to be on top.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
okay it was me..... I did it ..... I let the dogs out
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.