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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
Don’t let anybody push you around ... unless you’re in a wagon, cuz that is just plain fun.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.