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People assume when I yawn that I`ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
I noticed the toilet roll incorrectly installed in your selfie.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
I don`t need to go to church in order to feel ashamed of myself on Sunday morning.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
Big deal, Times Square, I drop the ball at least twice a week.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you`ll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(