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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Plus a social media overreaction.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?