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I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
No one`s lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won`t buy the book.