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When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
There`s a certain age where you can no longer use the term "Good girl gone bad". It`s more like "Her old a$$ should know better"
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
The last time I saw something as ugly as your face I pinned a tail on it.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
Trust me , as you get to know me , i just get weirder.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.