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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
When people ask me what I`m going to be on Halloween, the answer is always the same: really drunk
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
Men hang out in bars for one of two reasons: Either they have no wife to go home to, or they do
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
One thing I`ll never understand is alcohol free wine
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
Today is National animals day, please take a moment to remember your ex :p:p:p.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Drink coffee! ... Do stupid things faster with more energy.