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It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
I read Facebook for the pictures.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?