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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.