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I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Im at a beer tasting today..so far they all taste the same out of this case...well done Budweiser...well done!!
Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!
People liking my status from a week ago on Facebook proves that I have stalkers.
Revenge is not in my plans. You`ll f*ck yourself on your own.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
The most impressive thing about marathon runners is how they don’t check their phone for 3 hours.