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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however, it will be with alcohol.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.