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It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My inner self is in Photoshop
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
I don`t normally poop with the door open, but I don`t want to miss the in flight movie
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled. I got the hint. For Valentine`s Day she’s getting a magazine rack
This Tequila tastes like an afternoon of fun and bad decisions.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?