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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
Maybe America will believe in global warming if we make it a Snapple Fact.
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
"I get knocked down, but I get up again, You`re never gonna keep me down" ~Bowling pins
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I`m not saying i hate you but if you were on fire and i had water i would drink it
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there