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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
The longest 10 seconds of my day is when I have to hold down the button on an electronic thing to turn it off
I just broke my record for most days lived.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.