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You all take typos way too serious, you gays.
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
If there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours.
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late