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My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
Life is about perspective like the sinking of the Titanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ships kitchen
I just found my Christmas Spirit.... It`s been in aisle 6 at this liquor store the whole time!
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.