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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I bet the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial doesn`t ever ride his motorcycle on Martin Luther King Blvd in any town.
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
The problem with diets is pizza.
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
According to Debrah in HR, "Back up off my balls" is not the proper way to tell someone to wait for assistance.