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No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Lil Wayne is 10% African-American and 90% tattoo.
I think I`m gonna take a hot shower. Its like a normal shower, but with me in it.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
My cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it`s giving me serious ideas, folks
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights