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I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.