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I`m running low on funny but I have plenty of sexy left.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
You are the reason why I bite the heads off teddy grams.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.