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Partying on my level requires years of training.
Drunk me loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
If you don`t know me by now....I`m a really good stalker.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
Don`t apologize because you haven`t posted in a while. No one cared.
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.