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Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s βThe Signβ at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
You canβt call them βlove handlesβ if nobody loves you
It`s funny to watch all these people Bumping Up their own posts.
Just farted in 3 different languages! Thanks, Rosetta Stone!
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say βGive me the dumbest thing you can think of.β
Repeat after me: It doesnβt matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook wonβt solve it.
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, heβs probably just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thatβs what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together.
"Shit ton" is my favorite unit of measurement.
Who can really hear themselves thinking?
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
Research is what I`m doing when I don`t know what I`m doing.