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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
Life is not a garden so quit being a hoe
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
When I`m sad, I sing...Then I realise my voice is worse than my problems.
Water is the most essential element of life, because without water, you can’t make coffee.
hey single people..tomorrow is officially `rebound day` after all the ridiculously high romantic expectations end in `epic fail`
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
Can I tell you how terribly grateful I am that no one had cell phones, iPads or digital cameras when I had to squaredance in P.E.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
FYI: Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long, if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.