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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
i dont normally have a cool facebook status, but when i do, an older relative spoils it with a lame comment.
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Do people who exercise not know about ice cream and Netflix?
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.
Who’s that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again. ;)
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.