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I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
Its all fun and games..until you get stuck on a level of candy crush!!!
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can`t remember where I parked my car.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
"Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this." ... "Can`t touch this."--MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone