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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
To a musician, a g-string means something completely different than it does to me. .
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Better late than pregnant.
have you ever looked at someone and thought, "yeah you definitely have someone locked away in your basement."