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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
I will write something profound ... subsoil!
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
When I hear someone say, "chicken pot pie," I get excited three times.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
Every pair of panties can be a thong if your a$$ is big enough.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.