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You say `pervert with a telescope` ... I say `biological astronomer`.
Boss: Why aren`t you working? Me: I didn`t see you coming!
Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Wouldn`t it be awesome if MTV had a show called "16 and Applying to Colleges"
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Bored, so I’m going to find a kid that looks like me and tell him I’m him from the future.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.