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Does this status update make me look fat?
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Think about how much more stressful life`s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
I was wondering why some couples don`t go to the gym together but I guess some relationships just don`t work out...
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.