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“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
I´m the kind of person that when my feet hit the ground each morning the devil says, "OH CRAP, HE´S UP"!
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.