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Eventually I will find Bigfoot and he will tell me all he knows about Hide & Seek.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND the building?
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.