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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
One time I asked some girl what she was thinking. By the time she finished her thought we had 2 children.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.