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Im a leader not a follower... unless its a dark place then f*ck that your going first!
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
I hate it when I think I`m buying organic vegetables and I get home to discover they`re just regular doughnuts.
Police ordered me to get out of my car `You`re staggering` said the officer .`you`re not to bad looking yourself` I replied
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
All these women on the 48 dating sites I`ve joined, seem so f*cking sad and desperate.
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.