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Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.