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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
My brain is giving me the silent treatment today.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
Any time someone says "have you seen that YouTube video?" I always say yes......... Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right