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Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
You know you’re awesome when you know you’re awesome.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly