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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.
It’s all fun and games until they reply to your text with a phone call.
It`s Friday the 13th. Good thing I`m not superstitious, it`s unlucky to be superstitious...
Haiku`s confuse me / Too often they make no sense / Hand me the pliers
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?