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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
All other things being equal, tall people use more soap.
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
I drink because people talk.
"Just Be yourself" is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, "damn doc I`m already up to 3 times a day"
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.