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I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
I go from "Hard to get" to "Hard to get rid of" in 6 beers flat.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
This day needs more yesterday.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.