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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
If by O.P.P. you mean Other People’s Pancakes, then yes I’m down with O.P.P.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn`t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
If you`re not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you`re probably boring.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D