Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it`s the duct tape of food.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.