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An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
“Nevermind.” Translation... You should’ve listened the first time.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Not to brag or anything, but I don`t need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. It`s about two women trying to kill each other over shoes.