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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
If you were a Pokemon, I`d choose you.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
Celebrate Valentines Day responsibly, or you`ll be celebrating Thanksgiving in a maternity ward
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.