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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
Will be drunk until further notice.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
I`m in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
I don’t necessarily enjoy being the bad influence…but hey, somebody has to do it!
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
You’d think my password was “yourmom” because my computer just told me it was too easy.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.