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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
It`s almost 2014, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Jogging backwards because I`m trying to gain a little weight
Got tossed outta Starbucks this morning for asking the really cute redhead behind the counter for a "Quickie". Apparently it`s pronounced "Quiche`" who knew......
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.
I wouldn`t do much for a Klondike Bar; I would however get naked for beer.