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I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
I had four E`s and LSD last night. Such an awful start to a game of scrabble!!
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?