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Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Best pickup line : wanna get pizza?
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Just because you have a beard doesn`t mean you`re a man. Last time I checked vaginas can grow hair too.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.
I`m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I`ll never ever use one again. I`m so excited about it. Yes.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride