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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
Statistics say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Based on how I react when the toast pops out of the toaster, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
People I hate are not allowed to be funny.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
You’ve never truly lived until someone has posted a sign because of something you’ve done.
If there`s a bar where everybody knows your name, you`re probably an alcoholic.
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.