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So a year ago today I asked a really beautiful friend out on a date and today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 3 or 4 births before they throw you out.
honestly I`ve never seen a tombstone that read "died from not forwarding a text to 10 people"
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Ironically the only way I`d watch the 50 Shades of Grey movie is if you tied me to a chair and forced me to.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol at my house may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
I don`t feel like folding the laundry, so I just restart the dryer
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self centered lives already in progress.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!