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I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Yeah, I was dropped as a baby. Into a pool of sheer awesome.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I always see more people walking into Sam`s Club than out of Sam`s Club, but the meat`s cheap, so I don`t ask questions.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.
You said you wanted my advice, but I see you haven’t f*cked off or died yet.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
I’ve thought about it, and there still is no good reason for me to grow up.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time