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It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
If anyone has ever told you that you snore, just know that person has very carefully weighed the pros and cons of letting you live.
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I wish tanning beds could pop you out like a toaster when you`re finished.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
There were 2 muffins in a muffin shop the first 1 says "I love being a muffin!" then the 2 muffin says ``Holy crap its a talking muffin!"
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.