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Dear children, when you look under your bed, what exactly are you planning to do when you find me? Sincerely, The Monster.
Life is harder for the beautiful people. I’m sorry you’ll never know.
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Would a transformer buy life insurance or car insurance?
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes
You don’t look like 200 likes in person.
High fiving was the original "like".
I was jogging earlier and...LMAO, I`m sorry...I can`t start a status with such ridiculousness.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud