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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
HA! If you think I`M crazy you should meet ME!
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
What if in like 30 years they made a film about Leonardo DiCraprio and how he never won an Oscar…and the actor who played him got an Oscar.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Love is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.