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When I die, I don`t want to go sober...
You don`t get to complain about life until you move out of your parent`s house.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they`re in the middle of a race.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
Some mornings it`s best just to fill the sink with coffee, dunk you head in, and suck.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
To whoever said “fight fire with fire”: do you actually test your own advice before giving it?
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over