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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the guy asked me `Will you be putting it up yourself?` I told him, `No, you sicko, it`s going in the living room!`
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, “I’m not crazy!” and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"