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Vodka is just amazing water.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
If Apple really want to introduce something new and "innovative" they should just release a longer charger.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.