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I would order delivery more often, but I just can`t stand lowering the drawbridge.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Went to the virgin islands, now they are just the islands.
So glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how much I’m understanding what other people are saying.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?