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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I don`t know where the saying "working like a dog" got started but I`m looking at my dogs daily routine feeling pretty jealous myself.
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
sleep is for people without netflix
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."