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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
Calm down! I`m not officially late until I actually get there.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Chuck Norris doesn`t flush the toilet...he just scare the sh!t out of it.
When I was a kid I remember I fell asleep in the couch and woke up in the bed, now I fall asleep in the couch and wake up on the floor.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
I thought about exercising all day long. I am so exhausted.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
This day needs more yesterday.
One thing the porn industry has taught me is that this summer I defiantly need to get a job as a poolboy.