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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
I sleep better naked.. why can´t the flight attendants understand this?
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.