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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
If she can cook like her mother and drink like her father, she`s a keeper.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Overheard at grocery: Paper or plastic, sir? Doesn’t matter. Im bisacksual.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
At any given time my wallet is worth more than its contents.
Guys just want a virgin porn star and girls just want a dangerous safe guy.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`