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It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throw away ANYTHING, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord..
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
If I was supposed to share them, they wouldn`t be called nachos.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
The fact that Google autocompletes all of my questions just reaffirms how unoriginal all my problems are.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.