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Looks like I won`t be updating my status today...
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.